Lost Thots Of an AltaEgo's Mind

AND THE BLEEDING STOPPED.

2011-01-28T15:36:00.001+03:00

Held on to what I knew for so long,

a little too tight,

barely breathing,

I clasped harder,

but I had to let go...

I was losing the life

I so struggled to live.

It's so easy to get stuck to what we know that we strangely try to hold on to it even when we shouldn't. Im not talking about material stuff, this is deeper. My friend just said if you do something and it does not empower you then you need to let go.

I took that, ran with it.

The pain will go in a few days, the scar will fade!

Now what's left?

To tie up the wound I have inflicted

and let it heal, slowly

... and the bleeding stopped.

Parting Thots

Letting go is actually harder than holding on but it's empowering!

HEART BRUSH

2010-01-18T11:36:00.001+03:00

My thoughts gather,

time ticks by,

the drums play loud

reality sets in

I choose to have a good day

as my heart brush sweeps clean,

the webs of fear and dark voices.

My nervous heartbeat screams,

Chaos recedes to order,

light beaks through dark,

My heart brush sweeps,

this foreboding no longer creeps.

This week I push the limit,

of this lifeline given,

break the boundaries of self,

march through my created boundaries,

to gain from the pain,

my heart brush sweeps clean,

the stain from the bedroom walls.

Parting thots: Simple actions can change your destiny, either for good or bad, the choice is always in your hands even in the worst of circumstances.

Pic: scattereddreams http://scattereddreams.deviantart.com

TERRA FIRMA

2010-01-15T14:38:00.019+03:00

Dark clouds disappear,

Im standing on the ground.

I hear the call.

Wake me up Im dreaming,

my minds playing tricks again.

Visualize the future though

Im all alone. It's not so bad.

Do you ever feel like

youre sitting by drifting by

and everything is magic.

I cant just not smile.

It's my secret weapon

as Im called to arm.

This minds explosive.

From graphic sex

to the tiny mundane ant,

my thoughts traverse,

like roots they dig deeper.

Crack this and I'm your friend for life,

thats what I need to hear.

Everything's wading fast, through this mind

like Im a tributary,

the powers stream beneath my feet,

everything's magic even the pain,

it lifts the soul. My distraction is fading,

my emotions wander.

How the psyche can transform.

Im having a good day, in my state of trance

I embrace this world.

Was floating

now Im on solid ground,

come, bend, bear,

break this ground with me.

Bloom this flower like springtime,

see the urgency in my breath,

make the leaves rustle,

as I'm inside, I surge.

Stand on this firm dry land.

Parting thots... Dont pretend to be what youre not, acknowledge it, embrace it, then ask. law of percentages.

Lighter than ever

2008-11-28T21:09:00.003+03:00

Passion builds, heart rates increase, the thrill of another blog races in my veins, now I feel lighter than ever, been a while, but im through the tunnel now my minds clear, someone said it does pass...and it truly does. No waxing poetic here I'm speaking my mind, naked and unashamed and I like it all.

SPATE OF THINKING

2008-05-26T14:41:00.001+03:00

Deep breaths, relaxed breathing my altaegos pulsating serious energy and I cant hold back. I realized way back in the days that sexual energy can be channeled to some other worhty cause. Its monday and talking about sex on a monday seems strange for some, not to me. Listening to hard paced music right now, My energy is rising...

Shauri yako! if it offends you.

Whos candid enough to indulge into a little hardcore talk? My guess, very many people are just too prude! Suck up the mask! got to be who we are!

My spate of thinking just went up a notch. I just turned my music up louder.

Parting thot: Sex is as natural as breathing, Where the *$%@ do you think we all came from.

TEASE ME! I MIGHT LIKE IT.

2008-05-24T12:08:00.009+03:00

Been here before countless times. Need someone to see this as I do. Where's your danger, passion and excitment? Can I taste your mystery?

Lick the dressing from this lips. Maybe I will let you taste mine. Screaming louder will only make your punishment inflicted more bearable, I wait to see you lay there ashen gray, but alive barely loud enough to hear you say do me allover again, but im busy, maybe if you pay for my sex, its not free nothing this good is. Tied up on the balcony, balancing on the edge, I take you! Cut you up. Shall I let you fall?

Debauchery is my à la carte. Order from my menu.

Make life more tolerable for me. Give me some F@**kng danger again!

Parting thots... We all love danger. Life is full of it. I bleed it.

EVERYTHING COMES WITH A PRICE, I CAN AFFORD IT!

2008-03-27T17:52:00.007+03:00

Yes! So Im conceited enough to say I can pay the price for whatever I choose to follow in life...

Now that seems too confident of me, Yes I am confident and totally hopeful. Ok I lost you somewhere with the word price and afford... it has nothing to do with material things and cash...please refer to some other shallow blog for that kind of fastfood talk.

This is all about guts and glory! A Vision, raw drive, determination and perserverance, sacrifice!... thats what many of our so called visionarys lack. FTS!

With all the stuff that we seen I still stand! Im not satisfied with where I am in life, no one should! Its not about not being content its about smelling the cheese but also knowing when its going bad! Too symbolic to understand?

Its got nothing to do with how much cash you have make or what you got, Proudly I can say I got the guts and the glory follows . I can pay the price anyday, Count me in.

Thats my personality and character. Strong, together, like yours and everyone else its flawed aint perfect though what stands out when you strip me to the bone is sheer muscle to live, march on, endure and attain! Cut me open and you will see blood, tear me apart and you will see a strong character solidly standing like body armour! I can afford to be blunt coz I know I have it in me.

So for you who still hold on to your inner child with fear and anxiety heres a word for you.
Drop down the little guy, put your face on the ground and spread them!...SMACK SMACK!!! hehe hahahaha...... Two whips on your diabs should bring you back to reality! You aint going nowhere when you hide behind your fears!

Karma aint biting me in the ass with this one. Its paying me back big time!

I hold my head up high always!

I Can Pay the Price! Can You?

Im listening to Starlight by Muse...I suggest you listen to it.

I will be chasing a starlight
Until the end of my life....

My life
You electrify my life
Let's conspire to ignite
All the souls that would die just to feel alive....

Our hopes and expectations, Black holes and revelations,

Parting thots... In life, count the cost and be ready to pay for it when its due, Nothing comes easy or free.

SOLUTIONS OR I LOSE MY MIND!

2007-12-18T13:18:00.000+03:00

I put it as it is!

Im standing on the edge of my mind, just about to lose it........

THE MAN I'VE BECOME

2007-12-06T11:34:00.000+03:00

Bridges and hills thats all I see, the valleys are too low for me.

Ive been through my catharsis now, gone through my smelting. Like a ceremony this has been a ritual of events all progressing into the expression of me.

I take a step and the world moves aside, Like a bridge, stronger, bolder, wiser, I progress on
with this Man I've become.

PIECES OF INDIFFERENCE

2007-09-29T12:09:00.001+03:00

The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.
The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference.
The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference.
And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference.

Ellie Wiesel

Today's the day I saw the rays creak in,

dust floating past, illuminated,
I noticed how the dust sparkled in the light
hiding below in my self closet
I'm getting cosy down below,
cant trust them anymore
steadily the lock down begins
like poison it sets in, I'm numb
blisters set in, I should be screaming...
I don't feel it, this is my defence
to these pieces of indifference

I close my eyes
am I still in this war?
if am bleeding my hand shakes
I'm calm, drawn out, still a dreamer
broken wings I kept them folded
in this dark times,
I stand in the midst of the burns
Now I'm scarred but will heal up
head up high I face the fence
I will follow where this wind blows
in these pieces of indifference

Venting this is my catharsis.

I suggest a read from this link
http://www.corrupt.org/articles/indifference/
Picture courtesy of www.corrupt.org

Parting thots: Silence can be the the loudest thing to say

A WEEK IN RELIGION

2007-09-22T12:34:00.001+03:00

Last week I had a fairly unpleasant feeling about alot of stuff... and it all started when I figured out how unfair life can be. Life can be really shitty sometimes... not all the time but when its that time it sucks a load. Life is what you make it huh? Forget some shit.... pack it up and throw it out the window thats an old wives tale. Bite me!

From my experiences... which have been fairly enough for now, the worst place I have been in was to accept old religion tales and myths that just seemed to be sillier to believe ....Ive lost you all havent I well... cant help it Im listening to some really "heavenly" music Cd by Tori Amos - to venus and back...too cool. Its not for the fainthearted and shallow preacher heads or nod your head kinda people sorry....

My take on religion is that its all a big story and my point is whether you believe it or not it still has alot of inconsistencies...all the intrigues, betrayals, suspense and shiet!!! that just ends up draining you and if youre not carefull leave you with unfulfilled promises. FTS!!

And you know what this is who I am, I say what my opinions are I dont falter, I dont fade.

Religion is for the weak! yeah there!

Its like a voodo trance of some sort... come to think about it Haiti recognises VOODOO as one of thier religions. Nyef nyef nyef. Thats life!

My take is that religion is used as a manipulation tool. Do that shit you will only cry about it years to come when you realise how much manipulation and shiet you blindly were into.

Yeah and Im posting my poem on that preacher dude who does that shiet.

Parting thots:

Live your life without fear from any religion. Religion is for the weak!
Belief, A solid value system and a life purpose is for the strong.

REPTILES IN THE MIND

2007-07-17T13:05:00.000+03:00

Yeah reptiles, crocodiles to be precise!

I had a very enligtening read the other day and I knew it would be interesting to some...others might be overly offended... ?? (do what you want with this info) so felt it was a really good way to amplify my thots through this read.

Preferably this blog is meant to say the things on my mind. Good bad, wild, evil, buhahahahaha...even abhorring...

So here goes...

The whole reptillian thing sounds detestful to me...cant stand them reptiles, crocodiles lizards and the family.... so imgaine the creatures in your mind. Nasty shiet!!!!

So what exactly are reptiles in the mind. The definition I give is my opinion...opinions are made to be changed so get your own and share them.

Do you know of someone stuck in a self created swamp... a incessant pool surrounded by filth and stench in barely discernible futures. Yeah you do know a few people....just look around.... see one now... yep! told you so!

I know a few, maybe more than I need to... hopefully they dont influence the thots here... just fuel ideas...call it what you want, these kind of people really are carrying reptiles in their minds. Snap Snap!!

Here are just some ways to identify if you fall under this wretched status.
• You dont appreciate change, you actually hate it... maybe out of fear, or just stupidity.
• An Idiot to posibilities...sniff sniff that smells awful!
• A classic pessimist. Ahh here comes the insults from you....
• The ability to judge others critically without looking at themselves is the only talent they have. Ouch!! were those toes I just stepped on? ... hihihihihi
• A photographic memory of failure... When I tried blah blah blah it didnt work... It wont still work!!! thats what they say....understand or perish!
• They tear others good ideas to shreds... Wipe the looking glass more.... it really is you....

So much for reptiles, cold bloods and tough skin....

Im already miffed by the smell....
Today brevity of thought works.

Just had to share the poem that related to this post... had to..the ego couldnt be put off.

Influenced by the need to break free from dark deceptive boundaries of thought

PUMP ME UP WITH THIS DRUG

Pour out. This red blood
Pump me with this drug
I get high, drugged out,
I throw away the mask,
This drug gets me by
I scream I shout, my ears explode!
Pump me up with this drug!

I am me! What you looking at idiot
Never seen a man as high as I am?
Pull out the chord and stick the needle
I want to fly out high like a kite
See big faces smile down from the clouds
Say Hi to God on High!

I drift by, no more chronos
Just like God! I see them all
Even the dead that passed by
They all smiling, pump up that drug,
I want to hear the beats talk
I can take me higher,
I wont stop , I cant stop!
Pump me up with this drug!

Parting thots...
This life is really a battle in the mind and soul and not the body.

MY EULOGY - DEATH IS LIFE

2007-06-22T17:54:00.002+03:00

While I thought that I was learning how to live,
I have been learning how to die.
Leonardo Da Vinci

Lately alls been feeling... apart, distant, separated...dying...Deathlike! Sadness is a state of death...ever wonder what people will say at your funeral? Think about it .

Will people ramble through your eulogy about how good you were how sweet, kind loving, stupid you were or they just admit you were an asshole or even a psykobitch!!!, sent to earth to torment the feeble, inflict grievous bodily harm, (mungiki guys) or masticate the smallest guys lunch while in high school! Huh!

No really If you were to listen to crap that people say about the dead in their eulogys ud be really really amused. Nobodys perfect!!! Just say all the shiet that needs to be said as it is... If the person was an asshole just say it then it will probably haunt you for the rest of your life but who really believes in ghosts nowadays really!!just my opinion.

Today we write up the Eulogy; Death is Life...what my Altaego wld want to hear in demise... symbolic of what Im feeling... yeah this eeriness extends to life too....!!! I hate long speeches during funerals, really dreary ahhhh shiet!!! whoever presides over mine better not do that...Unasikia Nani!!!!

Provactively fearful and insane as it sounds. Death will happen!!!.. face it and deal with it!!! Pliz note Dress code of Black!!!! and White.... Im not a Mormon......kwenda huko!!!!!!
Ok here goes a brief of what id like said in my Eulogy for real!!!

SPEECH

(Background Music) prefarably some classical - Flute and harp concerto by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

To all who live,

We gather here (at this blog) today not because ones life is lost but to find life. What is life?
(That's the part you all look up and remember stuff nostalgically) ahhhhhhh................

Speech continues....

Life ends not at ones death, life ends when one stops learning. It wasnt a perfect, life, never always happy, never without fault, the AltaEgo made mistakes like you too...

Bleed, broke, beaten just like you...Happy times, sad times, broke ass times.... Good times wee their too...all part of a good life lived....but through death, the AltaEgo has passed into life....into the future .....

The Altaegos life wasnt an easy one, never has been. The past, present and future were a trinity of sorts, déjà vu inspired! This words fondly remembered by us and inspired by the AltaEgo; In this life, the innate ability to re-create, to re-define, re-form, re-cover, to be re--born is within!!!!

It was always the sole wish of the AltaEgo to be remebered as one who beat the path that others tread on... As we envision our own future... as we look at our own past...as we stride through the present, lets see death; our deaths as part of our lives. Through death the future becomes clearer!!!!

Thank you

END OF EULOGY SPEECH

(Flute and harp concerto continues)

APPLAUSE APPLAUSE APPLAUSE !!!!!!

(Like a standing Ovation thinghy) Then the all the guests seat down the AltaEgos ashes passed on to all who would dare touch the gentle yet life infused filled ashes of this peerless soul; they then proceed to pour them out onto a Oaktree seedling.... meant to signify the continuing life.

Thereafter served refreshments in classical taste....
(Savour thy words deeply here, ul understand)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Parting thot of a duplexed mind:

Death is just but a transition thro life.
Mcnaugton

APPROPRIATE MISFITS

2007-06-18T12:03:00.000+03:00

Confucius say " Spank the monkey or get some!!! ehhh dont qoute him on that......

Suddenly I feel demotivated to write this blog....it has nothing to do with spanking the monkey!!!! If youre looking for that sorry...!! My weekend was eventful I saw somebody spill, their guts out.... U jua urself!!! lakini ive jst been in transition and sometimz the thot.... TMI!!!!!! ehh see me later D!!!

So my blogs finally goin to have some real juice on it... No fake shiet but real juicy stuff better read it every week...Mostly lessons from life... My lessons... free information...use it as you pliz....

Its silly to see people say "I will try when they dont mean it!!!!" Urgh Own up!!! trying is for wimps!! thats what I believe in. Nikes Just Do It!!!!!

You see I dont try to do shit I Just do it!!! (If I was Ceasar of the Earth Id decree to shoot, chop, and shamelessy discard the remains of those who used these words "I will try") We have a right to stuff and opinions lakini hiyo no way. Bite me!!

My altaego's gone thro shiet in the past... As my altaego I have the right to:

Consider bulshit as bulshit!!
Intelligence!!!!!
Envisage the future
Kuongea Vibaya!!! mutaduu!!
Express my lost thots (I have many) Listen carefully...
Get a high from other sources other than booze
Have an enduring fetish for whatever I want (A chick with pretty feet)
Have my insane preferences
Enjoy the finer things...

Im not lost!!!! Just undiscovered by most mortals...... parting thots of a duplex mind;

80% of men masturbate in the bathroom....the other 20% sing a song. Question is which song do they sing? (If you dont know the song then youre in the 80 percent list)